Chase? He was all me . . .
Baby Chase, aka “Mr. Chubby Legs,” was a healthy, happy, growing 7-month-old boy. He was, as mom Lindsay described, perfect in every way. Chase loved to snuggle. He loved to throw his head back and laugh. He delighted being with his big brother Jack. He adored getting “motorcycle rides” on his dad’s knee. And he especially loved holding hands with Mama as he nursed. “He was my soulmate; he was all me,” Lindsay told me. Chase was pure joy . . .
Chase had a persistent runny nose and cough, but nothing that seemed alarming. That morning, he went to daycare happy, delighted to be in the mix. By afternoon, he was in the ER, lethargic and feverish. He was ultimately diagnosed with bacterial meningitis (a rare but life-threatening disease). Just two days later, Lindsay and her family had to say goodbye to their beautiful boy.
“Losing a baby, that changes who you are. A part of you dies and stays at the cemetery with your baby. Every cell in my body is always looking for every cell in his body. He knew nothing but love. And love is the thing that continues.”
A perfect baby . . .
Lindsay had a wonderful pregnancy until it was determined that her placenta was growing abnormally. It’s hard for Lindsay not to look back and wish with all her heart that there were no complications, even if there is no evidence that this contributed to losing him. Chase needed an early delivery and then care in the NICU.
Lindsay works as a NICU nurse practitioner at the hospital. Therefore she felt entirely supported by friends and colleagues. For the first few days, he relied on donor milk from Mothers’ Milk Bank Northeast. “I am very familiar with donor milk from working in the NICU, so many babies there need it,” Lindsay explained. At the same time, she worked hard to build up her own milk supply, knowing it would help him.
Chase came home after a few weeks and was doing great. “I had so much milk and Chase was growing so well. I loved nursing him – especially waking up in the night to snuggle and nurse together. He was such a perfect baby. He would just quietly let me know he needed me. I never wanted to put him down. People would tell me, ‘You should put him down in his bed.’ My response was always, ‘No way, why would I?’ The dishes didn’t always get done but I’m sure you can imagine that I am so glad for every minute I held him.”
Chase would have wanted his milk to help make other babies stronger . . .
After Chase passed away, Lindsay continued to pump for about a month. This was Chase’s milk. It was part of the bond they shared. It was hard for her to imagine parting with it. And yet, she didn’t want it to go unused. “Chase was such a sweet baby; he would have wanted his milk to help make other babies stronger. He was growing so well on my milk. Even though I wanted to keep it forever, I also wanted to know that other babies were getting what they needed from it.”
Lindsay kept some bags of milk for herself. She is having jewelry made from it. But the rest she donated to Mothers’ Milk Bank Northeast. Their milk could be part of saving another another baby’s life.
Wherever you are . . .
Some books have just the right message. Lindsay started reading Nancy Tillman’s book, Wherever You Are, My Love Will Find You, to Chase soon after he was born. It is a tribute to enduring love and connection.
She read the opening line to me . . .
I wanted you more than you ever will know
so I sent love to follow wherever you go.
And then she read the closing lines . . .
You are my angel, my darling, my star…
and my love will find you, wherever you are.
You are loved.
Lindsay is buying dozens of copies to distribute to families in hospital NICUs. Inside each book will be a picture of Chase, along with a message from Lindsay. As they care for their own little ones, they will help remember Chase. And just as his legacy endures, so too will their love.
Support and healing – helpful resources . . .
Donating milk after losing a beloved pregnancy or infant isn’t right for everyone. However, many find meaning and comfort in knowing their milk can help another precious child. If you’d like to learn more about donating milk after loss, simply click here. Additionally, Lindsay has kindly shared two grief support organizations she found helpful:
