Ever since she was a little girl, Maddy dreamed of becoming a mother. Years later, she had a career she loved, a committed partner, and an unexpected pregnancy at 25. Although she was excited, she wasn’t immune to the quiet pressure and judgment—much of it self-imposed—that so many people carry about what motherhood is “supposed” to look like.
Looking back now, those worries feel so small.
“It didn’t matter whether I was married,” she says. “It didn’t matter that I was having a boy instead of the girl I imagined. What mattered was getting to mother a child who would grow up.”
The Ultrasound
At 37 weeks pregnant, Maddy noticed that her baby wasn’t moving. But she and her partner, Nick, convinced themselves everything was okay. They were sure there was an explanation. Several days later at the doctor’s office, Maddy still wasn’t overly worried. She was diligently responding to emails while sitting on the examining table, waiting for her doctor.
Much of what happened next still feels like a blur, even two years later.
The ultrasound machine was turned toward her, but the screen was still. No movement. No heartbeat. The impossible, the unimaginable, had happened.
“Surreal doesn’t even begin to describe it,” Maddy says. “Your brain simply can’t process something that impossible.”
Pandemonium
Maddy called her partner, Nick, at work. She could barely get the words out. At first, he didn’t fully understand what she was trying to tell him.
Looking back, Maddy believes they were both in shock. They had already celebrated Connor at their baby shower. His arrival felt certain. In an instant, the future they had imagined disappeared beneath them.
Time lost all meaning.
There were doctors, nurses, calls from loved ones, and impossible decisions. Somehow she was expected to move through it all while trying to comprehend the incomprehensible.
Loved ones rushed to the hospital, eager to be there for her and Nick. Maddy is deeply grateful for their support but remembers those hours as, “pure pandemonium.”
The Hardest Goodbye
Then came the impossible.
Maddy would be induced and give birth to a baby she already knew had passed.
“The nurses took exceptional care of me,” she recalls, but still she wasn’t ready to let go. As she puts it, “Every instinct told me to hold on just a little longer,” because as long as Connor was still with her, she hadn’t lost him completely.
She knew that once he was born, she would have to face a goodbye she never wanted to say.
A Mother Still
Grief didn’t make Maddy any less of a mother. It simply changed what motherhood looked like. Connor is still part of their family. His birthday is still celebrated each year. His memory is woven into the life they continue to build.
“I think this is one of the hardest parenting challenges,” Maddy reflects. “I’m mothering a baby who isn’t here.”
Maddy describes an almost primal longing to have Connor back in her arms—a feeling that’s impossible to fully explain unless you’ve lived it. But she also knew that holding onto hope didn’t mean letting go of him. Connor would always be part of their family.
The Innocence of Pregnancy Was Gone
After everything they had endured together, Maddy says marrying Nick felt more certain than ever. In the months that followed, she poured her energy into planning their wedding. It wasn’t about replacing what had been lost. Nothing ever could. Instead, it gave her and Nick something to hold onto while they slowly found the courage to imagine a future again.
After what felt like an eternity, she was once again growing a little person inside her.
Pregnancy after stillbirth brings hope, but it also brings fear. For Maddy and Nick, that fear was unlike anything they had ever experienced before.
“The innocence of pregnancy was gone for me,” she explains. “With Connor, I just assumed everything would be okay. Now, I was waiting for the miscarriage, waiting for the disaster.”
Then, at 35 weeks, their worst fears seemed to be coming true.
Maddy started bleeding profusely. She and Nick were shocked. Could this really be happening again? They immediately rushed to the hospital. Thankfully, their baby was okay. But it soon became clear that they needed to act fast.
Baby William was born by C-section while his parents held their breath. Moments later, they heard him cry. Relief washed over them.
The Gift of Donor Milk
Like many babies born prematurely, William needed a little extra support during those first days. Because Maddy’s milk had not yet come in, William’s care team recommended donor milk to help nourish him.
“I can’t believe other women went through this whole process for him. They pumped and stored their milk. They did health screenings and blood work. And then all of you processed it and made sure it was there when it mattered most. I wanted to give him everything he needed, but I couldn’t. I’m so grateful for every single person who made that possible.”
As Maddy’s milk supply increased, she was able to breastfeed William herself. Before long, she also found herself wondering whether she could become a milk donor.
Donating felt like a meaningful way to give back to the families who had once given so much to hers.
“Going through the donor screening process made me appreciate those donor moms even more,” she says. “I realized how carefully every donation is handled to make sure babies receive safe milk. William was born early, so knowing those standards were in place meant everything to me. Thank you for protecting him.”
The Sun Finds a Way
William is 15 months old now. He’s happy, he’s funny, and he’s the love of Maddy’s life.
“He made me realize that even after the greatest tragedy, the most intense rainstorm, there is still the sun. There may be clouds, but the sun always finds a way.”
Of course, Connor is never far from her thoughts.
Seeing brothers playing together or siblings laughing in a grocery store still catches her off guard. Those moments hurt. Sometimes they bring feelings of jealousy she’d rather not have. Through therapy, Maddy’s learned those emotions don’t make her unkind or ungrateful. They make her human. Grief and joy often exist side by side.
That’s one reason she’s chosen to tell her story so openly. She hopes other bereaved parents will recognize themselves in it. She hopes they’ll realize they’re not alone, even when their thoughts are confusing or contradictory.
“I don’t take anything for granted with William; not the teething, not the tantrums, not the long nights. I’m a go-go-go person, but he has helped me slow down, be present, and appreciate the everyday moments. Together, Connor and William have made me the person I was always meant to be.”
Resources for Pregnancy After Stillbirth and Loss Support
Losing a baby at any stage of pregnancy is devastating, and no one should have to navigate that grief alone. Whether you’re coping with a recent loss or looking for support during pregnancy after stillbirth, help is available. Maddy found support through a stillbirth grief coach, her doctors, her therapist, and, of course, her family. We’ve linked to the organizations that supported her, along with a few additional resources, below.
