This National Breastfeeding Month, we’re honored to partner with the Mass. PPD Fund to share a powerful story from one of our own — milk recipient, donor, and three-time Olympic champion Caryn Davies.
Caryn turned to donor milk during a challenging time early in her motherhood journey. Her experience highlights the vital support donor milk can provide, shedding much-needed light on the emotional and mental complexities that can accompany breastfeeding.
Here, she speaks openly about the feelings of failure that can come with nursing challenges, even for someone as accomplished as she is. “Motherhood is the hardest thing I’ve ever done,” Caryn reflects, a truth that undoubtedly resonates with many . . .
Interviewed and edited by Jessie Colbert, Executive Director, Mass. PPD Fund
It’s wonderful that donor milk from Mothers’ Milk Bank Northeast supported you in your breastfeeding and motherhood journey. Before you share your story, let’s back up a bit. Prior to your son’s birth, did you have hopes or expectations about how those early days would go? What were your plans for nursing?
I was never a baby or a young child person, so I was really counting on the hormones to kick in. And they did. As soon as he was born, I would look at him and burst into tears — I just love him so much!
I had always planned to breastfeed. Honestly, it didn’t occur to me that it might not work. But I did gather lots of resources. I had already been to a breastfeeding support group a few times while I was pregnant. I knew a little bit about what to expect. And I knew what to do if things didn’t go well, so I felt pretty confident about it.
That’s great! We usually don’t expect complications, so it’s easy to lose confidence and give up when they arise. Can you share your hospital experience and how donor milk helped?
As prepared as I was, nowhere did I read that it can take days for your milk to come in after birth. We were in the hospital, and the little guy was doing great—his latch seemed fine. I hadn’t realized how painful breastfeeding would be at first. My nipples were cracked and bleeding from day one, but I was determined to power through.
So, he was nursing, but as far as I could tell, he wasn’t getting anything because he kept losing weight. The nurse said, “We don’t worry until they lose 5% of their weight.” The next thing you know, he’s lost 7%. Then she said, “We don’t worry until they lose 10%.” And I thought, Hold up!
I was growing anxious that he was dehydrated. Convinced my milk wouldn’t come in, I thought I was starving my baby. One night, I lay there crying and thought, I need to see if I’m even making anything. I sequestered myself in the bathroom with my little hand pump. Sitting on the toilet, bawling, I got a little colostrum. It helped me feel a bit better—like I wasn’t completely broken.
Then my husband woke up and said, “We need to do something. This isn’t okay.” We requested a nurse, and he asked, “What are our options?” She almost seemed relieved as she explained she couldn’t offer supplementation unless we requested it. “Honestly,” she said, “90% of mothers don’t leave the hospital without some form of supplementation.” I wondered why no one told me. Why I was left to cry alone, thinking I was broken when this is so common. It was a relief.
I was initially anxious about accepting donor milk because I knew having baby at the breast helps establish milk supply. But helping him fill his belly and regain weight made all the difference. It allowed me to rest.
The next day, we went home with the maximum—10 bottles of donor milk. My milk came in that day, so we didn’t use them, but having them in the freezer gave me peace of mind.
I’m sorry it was difficult, and I’m glad you got help. I hear many stories like this, where moms don’t know what’s typical and then, when things get challenging, think there’s something wrong with them. Have you thought about what might have happened if donor milk hadn’t been available?
I still think I would have breastfed, but I would have been a lot more anxious those first few days. Watching my baby suffer was heartbreaking.
You’re also a breastmilk donor. What inspired you, and what feels good about making this contribution to other moms and families?
I always felt somewhat guilty about those 10 bottles we took home but didn’t use. I thought, I had a healthy baby and didn’t really need that donor milk, and I know there’s a limited supply. Honestly, I kind of felt like it was my duty to replenish it. Thankfully, I had enough milk, and I did some extra pumping sessions here and there to start building up a stash. Once I had enough for my baby, I decided it was time to start donating.
Let’s zoom out from breastfeeding. You’re a three-time Olympic medalist, and a powerhouse attorney and keynote speaker, but feeling successful at motherhood can be a different story! Has becoming a mother changed the way you think about success, teamwork, or life in general? What has surprised you the most?
First of all, motherhood is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. When you’re training, you have to be selfish. You have to get as much rest as you can and prioritize yourself at every decision point so you are as strong as you can be. Motherhood is the opposite. To the extent that I prioritize myself, it’s because I know it makes me a better mom. I get sleep because I know I need to be well rested in order to emotionally regulate myself for my child’s benefit. It’s made me a lot less self-centered, and that has been kind of a relief because it’s helped me realize that it’s not about me in so many ways.
On the flip side, it also helps me realize that I can’t take full credit for my accomplishments. Because it’s not all me—I had so much support. My parents were incredibly helpful when I was a young athlete, and a lot of my abilities come down to genetics. I have so many other people to credit for my success.
I love that—now that you are pouring the best of yourself into your son, you can really see everything that was poured into you. Is there anything else you’d like to add?
For me, nursing has been one of the most wonderful ways to bond with my child. I’m still nursing now, and it’s been almost two years. We definitely went through some rough patches. There was a solid month when my little guy would just burst into tears at the sight of my boob! To him, it was like, “Now you have to sit down and focus,” and he just wanted to go and play. That was hard for me. So, then I would burst into tears too . . . everyone was crying!
It’s a very personal decision, and I know that many women can’t nurse for various reasons, but I always want to say: don’t give up. There’s so much value in it. Keep going and seek out resources if possible. For example, health insurance is required to provide coverage for lactation consultations. You can have someone come to your home and help you with breastfeeding—it’s federal law. For those who have the inclination to push through, it’s so worth it. Please don’t feel bad about seeking help.
Building support for new parents . . .
The Mass. PPD Fund works to strengthen communities’ ability to address the mental health needs of new parents across the state through awareness campaigns, training programs, and advocacy efforts. Its vision is to ensure compassionate, culturally appropriate, and universal mental health support for parents experiencing Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders (PMADs).
