Ashley was convinced that pregnancy and birth were not for her.
She knew she wanted to be a parent. She was entirely devoted to her son Otto, whom her wife Elena had carried. But she didn’t feel the pull to be a birth parent herself. So she was surprised when Elena told her that she didn’t want to become pregnant again. Together, they carefully considered their options, and Ashley ultimately decided to carry their second baby. She wasn’t sure about pregnancy, but she was sure about mothering.
After two years of IVF treatment, the couple was finally expecting. Ashley had become pregnant with their last remaining embryo, and she was thrilled. “I didn’t stop being frightened, but I also loved it.” She felt a special connection to this little one growing inside her.
The Unexpected
Her relatively easy pregnancy changed at 37 weeks when doctors determined that she was low on amniotic fluid and her baby needed to be born immediately. Tobin was born by C-section, and Tobin’s lungs were more premature than expected, making him require oxygen support in the neonatal intensive care unit.
Ashley wasn’t sure what she thought about breastfeeding. Her wife had exclusively pumped for their now four-year-old son, Otto, and that was not an experience she had any interest in repeating. “I thought I would try breastfeeding and if it worked, great. If not, that’s ok too.” It’s true what they say about parenthood changing us though. After Tobin was born, Ashley felt strongly that breastfeeding was the right feeding plan for them. She wanted that connection with him. She wanted him to have her milk. It needed to work.
Early on, lactation consultants confirmed that Ashley’s milk had come in. But with Tobin on oxygen and unable to latch, Ashley had to rely on pumping to get it out—and that wasn’t working. Ashley was determined to keep trying. Meanwhile, the hospital offered donor milk from our milk bank to nourish Tobin while Ashley worked to establish her own milk supply. For premature and medically fragile babies, donor milk is the standard of care when maternal milk is not available.
“They would kindly mix the one drop of my milk that I was able to get out with a bottle of donor milk just so I could feel better,” she says with a rueful laugh.
The Milk Bank Became Our Village
“Mostly I just felt so grateful for all these women who had offered their milk. These women who were pumping in the dark so Tobin could have what he needed, so I could have time to get my milk supply going. I am so thankful. I’m thankful for the technology and all the people at the milk bank who get safe donor milk to babies who need it. For all these people helping me feed my baby. It’s a modern-day village. It really felt like a tribe of mothers were there for us when we really needed them.”
Ashley stayed with Tobin day and night during the 15 days he was in the NICU. “I just couldn’t leave the hospital without him. The thought of that made me cry. So, I stayed 24/7, in that uncomfortable chair, even though I was still recovering from a C-section. We needed to be together.”
Once mom and baby got home, Ashley kept working with a lactation consultant to build her milk supply.
“I wasn’t sure whether it was ever going to happen for us. My lactation consultant told me that every week she was seeing progress. I decided to interpret that as I should keep going, I should keep trying. I wish that someone would have said, ‘I can’t make any promises, but I believe you can do this.’ No one did. But I kept trying anyway, even though sometimes I wasn’t sure it was worth it. Sometimes I wondered if I was in some sort of postpartum haze and the choices I was making might not be making sense. Maybe this wasn’t worth it because it was never going to happen. But then, at seven weeks postpartum, I was finally able to fully feed my son from my own milk supply. I did it.”
More Than Feeding a Baby
Tobin is now six months old.
He and his mom are breastfeeding pros. In fact, Ashley was surprised to discover that she loves breastfeeding. She loves how close they feel. That sense of connection. She loves that her milk is “fresh and always on tap” when Tobin needs it. And she loves how it comforts, calms, and nourishes him.
When you have a baby, you begin an extraordinary relationship with a new person. At the same time, you discover new parts of yourself. For Ashley, the milk bank was never just about feeding her baby. It was about knowing she wasn’t doing it alone.
That’s what a modern-day village looks like: parents helping parents through one of life’s most vulnerable seasons. Sometimes that support comes from family or friends. Sometimes it comes from a lactation consultant. And sometimes it comes from someone you’ve never met, who pumped milk in the middle of the night so another baby could have what they needed.
Looking back now, Ashley simply says, “I’m just so very thankful for it all.”
